I Promise You Baby Girl, I'll Never Be "Happy" Again
I used to think "I have a husband who loves me, a beautiful daughter who sleeps through the night, I get to stay home and play with her every day. But I'm not happy. What is wrong with me??" and who hasn't felt this way? We live in a world that is so multifaceted, and our lives have so much going on that it is impossible to not feel a ton of different emotions every day. A typical day with Eden would consist of: tiredness, affection, frustration, joy, hunger, anger, surprise, boredom, gratitude, fear, amusement, and so on. If we spend all our time stressing about what we are feeling and what we "should" be feeling then we will never truly get to feel.
I have had a lot of people tell me that my experience has inspired them to be happier with their lives, and to not get so frustrated or sad with their kids. But I want to tell them no! feel your emotions. If your kid is sick feel worried. If your kid pulls your hair while you're folding the laundry for the fifth time feel mad. If you're baby starts spontaneously twirling around to a song, take a video and then swing her into your arms and eat her cheeks. Because that is life. Life is sadness and joy, fear and courage, frustration and calm.
So I make a promise to Eden that will stop my pursuit of "happiness". My life now contains deep sorrow. Until we meet again, there will always be someone missing at our family dinners, picture sessions, and fun times and I know I will continue to feel that sorrow. But I also promise to feel the joy and laughter that my future holds.
Beautifully written Lisa. Our hearts are made to feel so many emotions and are capable of experiencing many at the same time. Much love to you and Jared.
ReplyDeleteI just came upon your blog Lisa and what a beautiful post. A good reminder to feel and acknowledge life's challenges and also to embrace the good.
ReplyDeleteLisa: I have always loved your folks and your siblings. When we met, I felt that it was very special. Whenever I hear or read the Burgon name, those feelings rise in my heart. When your parents moved from our ward, I felt such a loss. I have admired them over the years for their talents, their kindness, their compassion, their love of family, and charisma they bring to friendship. When I heard of your loss, I really felt that lost deeply. I sent you a card to express my sorrow. I sent a card to your folks to express my sorrow. Still, your loss has remained with me. You see, I lost my child, too. It was through early delivery. He lived for eight hours. Then, he was gone. But the experience, the loss, emptiness of that loss stayed with me for many years. Then the loss, the memory feelings, turned to a warmth and assurance that he would be ours through eternity. He lived for eight hours. Then, he was gone. But the experience, the loss, emptiness of that loss stayed with me for many years. Then the loss, the memory feelings, turned to a warmth and asurrance that he would be ours in eternity if we lived the plan of happiness. Still, I couldn’t find comfort. Only time healed. Only the promises of and Gospel comforts dispelled the grief.
ReplyDeleteShortly after he passed and I was home from the hospital, I went to visit a friend. It was three days after his passing and funeral. I was distraught. I went to her for comfort. On my way driving back home, I heard a whispering voice over my left shoulder—the still small voice of my infant son: ‘Mommy, my mission on earth was to help you and daddy get back to the Celestial Kingdom.’
It was etched upon the memories of my mind. Forty one years later, it is still as imprinted as it was at that moment in time—as if it just happened here and now.
Eden was a perfect little one. Her presence on Earth was probably a momentary need because she must have been too pure to have to withstand the trials of Earthly life but she gave you a gift—the gift of the desire to help you get back to the Celestial Kingdom. Time will go slowly but then it will fly. I read the book, Angel Child. It was my healing narrative. I don’t know if it is still available but it is what soothed me over the devastating months. God bless you in your sorrow. Feel. Express. Grieve. Heal. Trust. Have faith in the ‘Plan of Happiness’. Love from one who loves your mom and dad and their children in a very special way,
Clair Ann Rasmussen