Why Isn't She Crying?
You might look at your friend/acquaintance who recently lost a child and think. “Why isn’t she crying? If I lost my child I would never stop crying. I would never get out of bed.” I certainly used to have these thoughts. Don’t ever start a judgement of a mother who has lost a child with the phrase “If I lost my child, I would/wouldn’t” As mothers we all find ourselves with those thoughts. If I lost my child I would…. We start making plans. I would never leave my bed. I would never smile again. Etc. As someone who had these thoughts and made these plans I look back and see that what I was feeling at the time was fear and anxiety. Once my worst fear became reality I realized that I was moving forward with completely different emotions. My fears and anxieties had come true so there was nothing to be afraid of anymore. I was in anguish, numb, angry, confused, purposeless, but not scared. The decisions I made going forward weren’t based in fear. They came from my grief, from wanting be around people who will feel with me and help me heal, and to honor and remember and continue to protect my daughter.
There are many reasons she’s not crying. She may even be smiling and laughing. First of all, remember you are only viewing a small snapshot of her day. A time when she has chosen to interact with other people. A time to take her mind away from her grief for a moment. But I promise, her child’s loss is always in the back of her mind. You do not see the times that she is buried in her bed sobbing into her pillow. You do not see the lonely drives home from from hanging out with you. When she bangs her fists against the steering wheel and asks "Why?"
One example was my daughters 2nd birthday. We spent the week before honoring her life performing random acts of kindness that reached across the country. It was a amazing and heartwarming to see all the love shared in her name. My sister surprised me with a visit from California. I was so happy to have family there to celebrate with us. We had a party that was filled with people who love us and love Eden. We had a wonderful day sharing about her life, remembering things she did, the impressions she left on others. The day was full of love and compassion. But I would be leaving out an important part of the day if I didn't mention the almost hour I spent sitting in my car with tears streaming down my face and throat sore with sobs. Because, no matter how many acts of kindness, funny stories shared, or good friend hugs. My baby is not in my arms. This is the complete story of my daughters birthday. And I loved every minute of it. But keep in mind that you may only be observing a part of it.
Maybe she doesn’t feel comfortable crying in front of people. I have had times when my friends are feeling with me and they cry for me and I genuinely want to cry with them. And I definitely have the feelings inside me but the tears don’t come. I've also had many people say it's okay to cry in front of them and that is very kind an loving. But crying takes a huge level of vulnerability. It is taking the softest and most damageable part of you and placing it in someone's hands. For people who have lost a child those parts of them have already been damaged beyond repair so I don't blame them for keeping them hidden unless they feel the greatest comfort.
Or if she is crying it’s really not a big deal. It’s a daily occurrence for her. You didn’t do anything wrong, and you don’t need to do anything to make her stop crying. The best thing you can do is validate her pain, cry with her, and let her know that you are there.
One thing I learned quickly is that crying is healing, but it is also exhausting. I have cried until my eyes burned, and my throat was raw, and I was having trouble breathing. It is not healthy to put your body through that every moment of the day let alone a week, month, etc. I also have had days when I stayed in bed and stewed in my grief all day and I felt awful. I felt like I was a bad mother, I felt isolated even from my husband, I felt like I could not go on living. All of these feelings are reasonable and expected after losing a child but you do not want to continue feeling them, you do not want these feelings to define your future. I truly don’t believe that staying isolated in my grief is what my child or any child would want their mother to feel for the rest of their lives.
There are many reasons she’s not crying. She may even be smiling and laughing. First of all, remember you are only viewing a small snapshot of her day. A time when she has chosen to interact with other people. A time to take her mind away from her grief for a moment. But I promise, her child’s loss is always in the back of her mind. You do not see the times that she is buried in her bed sobbing into her pillow. You do not see the lonely drives home from from hanging out with you. When she bangs her fists against the steering wheel and asks "Why?"
One example was my daughters 2nd birthday. We spent the week before honoring her life performing random acts of kindness that reached across the country. It was a amazing and heartwarming to see all the love shared in her name. My sister surprised me with a visit from California. I was so happy to have family there to celebrate with us. We had a party that was filled with people who love us and love Eden. We had a wonderful day sharing about her life, remembering things she did, the impressions she left on others. The day was full of love and compassion. But I would be leaving out an important part of the day if I didn't mention the almost hour I spent sitting in my car with tears streaming down my face and throat sore with sobs. Because, no matter how many acts of kindness, funny stories shared, or good friend hugs. My baby is not in my arms. This is the complete story of my daughters birthday. And I loved every minute of it. But keep in mind that you may only be observing a part of it.
Maybe she doesn’t feel comfortable crying in front of people. I have had times when my friends are feeling with me and they cry for me and I genuinely want to cry with them. And I definitely have the feelings inside me but the tears don’t come. I've also had many people say it's okay to cry in front of them and that is very kind an loving. But crying takes a huge level of vulnerability. It is taking the softest and most damageable part of you and placing it in someone's hands. For people who have lost a child those parts of them have already been damaged beyond repair so I don't blame them for keeping them hidden unless they feel the greatest comfort.
Or if she is crying it’s really not a big deal. It’s a daily occurrence for her. You didn’t do anything wrong, and you don’t need to do anything to make her stop crying. The best thing you can do is validate her pain, cry with her, and let her know that you are there.
One thing I learned quickly is that crying is healing, but it is also exhausting. I have cried until my eyes burned, and my throat was raw, and I was having trouble breathing. It is not healthy to put your body through that every moment of the day let alone a week, month, etc. I also have had days when I stayed in bed and stewed in my grief all day and I felt awful. I felt like I was a bad mother, I felt isolated even from my husband, I felt like I could not go on living. All of these feelings are reasonable and expected after losing a child but you do not want to continue feeling them, you do not want these feelings to define your future. I truly don’t believe that staying isolated in my grief is what my child or any child would want their mother to feel for the rest of their lives.
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