God Didn't Do This To Us

For those reading who don't know me personally, I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We believe that Jesus Christ died for our sins, our physical pains, as well as our emotional heartbreaks. We also believe that our Father in Heaven has a plan for his children. That we come to an imperfect world to have the freedom to choose, have experiences, and learn. After we die we will all live again.

As part of my grieving process I have found so much comfort in connecting with other mothers and fathers that have lost children. Some of them share my beliefs and some don't. They share words that I deeply understand and validate my process through grieving a child. I feel uplifted and understood when they share and when I share with them.

However, there is one common belief among those that believe in a higher power that I just can't agree with. And I find myself surprised to be in a minority.

There are so many quotes and statements that say something along the lines of "Losing my child was a trial that I was asked to go through" or "God took my child so He could shape me into a better person." or "It was in God's plan for me and my child that she/he was not meant to be here long and  I was meant to be a loss parent"

I just can't believe these statements. They seem to go so against the characteristics of the loving God that I believe in.

"Heavenly Father took my child" or "It was in his plan that she die:"

It was in God's plan that we were sent to an imperfect world where both incredibly wonderful and devastatingly tragic things can happen. He sent us here to make our own choices and all of those choices have consequences. He sent us to a world where there is illness and disease. He gave us bodies that can malfunction. These consequences, diseases, and bodily malfunctions have nothing to do with good an evil. They are the natural consequences of living in an imperfect world. All of these aspects of the world where we live can lead to death and some of those deaths happen far too soon. But that does not mean that God orchestrated any of our deaths but I do believe that he is part of them.

I believe that he surrounded my daughter with angels and loved ones as her spirit left her body. I believe that he surrounded Jared and I with love and comfort when we found her and shortly after learned that she could not be saved. I believe that he knew exactly how we felt. He heard our screams and wept with us as we faced this bitter reality of life.

Another reason I don't like this statement is that it can lead to blaming God. I have read about children who lost their siblings and the adults around them said "God decided it was your sister's time to go" or "It was God's will that your brother passed away" and those children decided that they didn't want anything to do with this "God" that would take their loved one and cause them and their family so much pain. And I honestly think that makes a lot of sense. So these statements should never be said to someone who has just lost a loved one. Instead you should say "God knows what you are going through and He will be there with you for the rest of your life as you face it without your loved one."

"I had to face this trial to become a better person"

First of all, I don't like calling my daughter's death a trial. It's not a test I have to take or something I have to get through. It is a tragedy. It is something that will continue to deeply change me, my family, my feelings, and my choices for my entire life. It has become part of me and my life. It cannot be solved, gotten over, or passed through.

I don't think that losing my daughter was necessary for my betterment or salvation. I truly believe that we could have lived our lives raising her, teaching her, facing challenges with her, and that would have brought us close to God and allowed us to return to His presence. Just like every other family that lives their life without losing a child.

But I do know that there are consequences and changes that have happened in my life due to our tragedy. I have come closer to God and Jesus through my need to cling to their comfort when I have felt like I wanted to give up. I have become more compassionate and more willing to serve because I have truly felt the lowest of lows and can feel with those that are down. I was selflessly served and lifted by others and it has lead me to want to pass on and continue that cycle of love and service. I have gained a greater understanding of what Christ has done for us. But I see it as more of a natural consequence, a sanctification of my tragedy rather than a necessary event in my life. As I stated above, This type of tragedy has driven people away from the comfort of God, and their fellow man. Among those I follow on social media I have seen some separate themselves from their religious communities and even from God Himself due to being constantly preached at or truly believing that God is responsible for their deepest pain.

Another Context

Something that helped me better understand or better explain was when my sister sent me a quote from someone of our faith who had suffered a sexual assault:

"When I was young I was sexually assaulted by someone that I trusted. God did not make that happen. He gave me a loving mother who understood, a father who made me laugh, and a voice to help others. "

It struck me that no one would ever think and no one would ever tell this person that God made that assault happen or that God made them experience it in order to become a better person. That would never come to mind because it is so untrue. I believe the same applies to me and all others who are facing the life-long consequences of an imperfect world.

So if you are struggling with something in your life and wondering "Why would God do this to me?" the answer may be, He didn't. But He is there to help you through it. He will give you strength to take the next step. He will give you courage to ask for help. He will strengthen and lift those who choose to help you and reach out.

If others are trying to tell you that God orchestrated your tragedy it is just another way that people are trying to give meaning or an explanation to something that has no explanation. It attempts to put a band-aid on a gaping wound. And you don't have to say anything, just know that it's not true. You have suffered something real, something huge, and something that will never be explained or gotten over. And God is there to help you live your life with that tragedy.