Rose Parade 2019
Before reading this Post, read my Hope for the Holidays post for background information.
Last year Jared and I made plans to go out to California for 2 weeks for Christmas. We knew that spending Christmas away from the house was a good idea but we were really struggling about what to do for New Years. Eden passed away on January 1st and we had no idea how to get through that horrible day when most people are celebrating. Jared wanted to come home to Arkansas, but I wanted to be with family. (And my mom was threatening to do herself mild bodily harm to make us stay). The rose parade felt like an answer to our prayers. My mom called up ARORA and made all of the arrangements. They were already sponsoring another family to attend. But they got us access to the hotel they were staying in, put us on the list to help decorate the float, and tickets to watch the parade from the stands. (otherwise we would have had to camp on the street for 24 hours before the parade).
As the time got closer, we were given more instructions about float decoration. We were told that we were expected to be there for 6 hours, we would be taken there by shuttle that wouldn't return until the end of our shift, we were in charge of bringing our own food and water, non decorators (my parents) were not allowed in the area, there would be heavy fumes, it would be cold, it would be hot, and you have committed to this and you can't back out. haha! I am exaggerating a little, but I was starting to feel nervous. Everything you read and everything my therapist says is "When you are having a hard time, you don't have to go. You can change your plans at the last minute. If you go somewhere and you don't feel good there, you can leave." But these instructions were telling me I couldn't do any of those things.
Pasadena is about 5 hours from my parents house, so we woke up at 4 am to drive down there. Thankfully, I was able to sleep most of the drive. When we arrived at the hotel, it was filled with other people from Donate Life (The national organ recovery organization and sponsors of the float), We noticed that a lot of people had buttons, lanyards, or other things with their loved one's picture on it. I immediately felt that I needed to get something to show Eden but we didn't have time. I was also overcome by the fact that these people were celebrating the life of their loved ones and while I can feel that sometimes, at this time specifically, I was mourning.
We were shuttled to the float decorating area where we learned that my parents would be able to decorate with us. The whole situation ended up being more relaxed than was communicated, because our float was ahead of schedule. We were taken into the warehouse where we learned about the float and what went into creating it. The theme was "Rhythm of the Heart". A requirement of the Rose Parade is that all visible surfaces of the float must be covered in plant material. They used beans, seeds, rice, and leaves to make all these different surfaces.
There were a bunch of flats of roses that still needed to be put on the float, so we decided to look through them to see if we could find the rose we dedicated to Eden. One of the head guys on the float even helped us look. It was amazing to see how dedicated everyone was to making miracles happen. While we were looking, my mom spoke with the man in the yellow coat (somewhat pictured below) He said he had just read the name Eden on a rose he just placed. They weren't allowed to remove roses after placement but he said it was somewhere in this grouping.
They then grabbed us a few more roses and let us dedicate those to her as well. Jared and I wrote another and my parents wrote one and placed it below a drum. The one Jared and I placed ended up being removed (I know, they said that wasn't allowed) and put back into a flat of roses. Amazingly, Jared ended up with that flat when we were placing roses later that night. We decided to put it in a place we were be able to see it from the stands. The lead float decorator told us that since we knew exactly where the rose was we might be able to get it back after the parade.
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| Eden's is the light one, right in the middle |
The next morning was the float judging. Since it was early, Jared and I decided not to go but my parents attended and had a fun time. My dad was standing in line at the breakfast table when he heard someone behind him introducing their friend to Alex Boyé. My dad turned around and was surprised to see him nearby. For those of you who don't know, Alex Boyé is singer and member of our church. He was on America's Got Talent and has many youtube videos where he covers popular and religious songs with an African spin. My parents ended up eating breakfast with him and learned that his song Baba Yetu (The Lords Prayer in Swahili) would be playing on the float. My parents told him about Eden and he said that she has a beautiful name. I asked them to ask him to write a song for her, but it was too late. Just Kidding! I would be so embarrassed if they did that. Jared and I were able to briefly meet him at the hotel after the parade.
We spent the day hanging around Pasadena went to dinner with the other people form ARORA. It was nice to get a chance to speak with them and hear about their work with donor families. Donor Families are invited to the Hope for the Holidays Event for 3 years after donation. It was interesting to learn that they were surprised that we came in our first year. Personally I was so grateful for anyone who wanted to honor Eden and acknowledge our grief.
The morning of the parade, We went and sat in the stands. My parents sat with us and my sister's family were in another section. My aunt and cousin also came and found seats on another street. I was so glad they all chose to attend and honor Eden with us. The float was amazing to see and it was a beautiful tribute to Eden and all the other people who contributed.
That day was very hard emotionally. I would describe it as being filled with dread for an event that had already happened. Every time my eyes landed on a clock, I would think of what we were doing at that time the year before. "She had woken up and she was nursing at 9:00" "We were at the store and she was having a fit at 12:15" I was living in dread of 2:30, the time that she was no longer alive a year before. Any moment where I was allowed to sit and think was devastating. To help me a little I carried my piglet around all day. Piglet was Eden's favorite. We got her a little lamb blanket that was meant to be a comfort toy for bed-time, but she preferred her "Pi-deh" She would always throw it out of her crib at some point during her nap time but she would always point out where it was when we got her up. That way it was there for her when it was time to sleep again. Eden has her piglet with her and I ordered a new one to keep with me.
When we went to the hotel after the parade, we saw all the people who were sitting on, or walking next to the float come in with hand-fulls of roses, so we felt confident we wouldn't have a problem getting the rose at the showing. At the hotel, we hung out with my family and then decided we should go get some lunch. This turned out to be a bad idea because there was so much traffic from the parade and people trying to get to the football game. It got to the point where I couldn't just sit in the car anymore. And I asked that we skip lunch and try to get to the float showing. That was also a traffic filled route but the fact that we were heading toward something that had to do with Eden felt much better.
After the parade all the floats are lined up in a park and you have to buy a ticket to get in to see them. My parents dropped Jared and I off near the entrance while they went to find a parking spot. As we got nearer to the gates, we noticed that there was a terrible line to get in. I thought that the gates had already been opened and they were metering people going in, and the line looked like it was going to take three hours, I was so emotional that waiting in a three-hour line was something I couldn't do. I couldn't stand there and be alone in my thoughts and just wait to get in. I immediately burst into tears and thought that there was no way we were going to get the rose back, but my mom is amazing. She spoke with the guys who were letting people in and explained the whole situation to them and they said they could let one person in. We hurried and bought tickets and went up to the gate and he let me in, and Jared was able to come soon behind with all the people who were rushing in through the gate as it opened.
They had a barricade around the float with a lady from the Donate Life organization standing inside and answering questions. I noticed that she had a picture of a little girl in her arms and I swear the girl was was about Eden's age. We went up to her, asked about the rose, and told her about Eden and she told us about her granddaughter and I wish I could remember her granddaughter's name, but we made this connection and she said of course we could tell her where the rose is and she'd get it for us, but first we'd have to talk to that guy over there to make sure it's okay.
We went to talk to him and told him the whole story, and that we had worked on the float and he just said "No we can't let people take roses off the float" and "If one person takes a rose then everybody will want one." and I begged politely though I wanted to scream it instead: "But it's our rose. We put it on. It's dedicated to OUR daughter." He probably just had these hard and fast rules that he felt like he needed to follow and so we walked away and started to cry again. I was trying to tell myself "this is just a rose. It doesn't actually mean anything." But we had been talking about getting the rose all weekend and it was a small connection to Eden. I was just trying to feel better about not getting it, but I wanted to go back and talk to the the lady and reconnect with her. She asked "Were you able to get the rose?" and we told her he said no, and she said, "WHATEVER! He doesn't mean anything. You get this rose. Show me where it is." We showed her and she couldn't reach it, so Jared actually went under the barricade and took the rose off of float and I turned to her and said "Thank you so much. Can I give you a hug?" and she gave me the best hug and she said "I know. I understand. I feel for you." and I replied the same. There's a connection that you make with people who have also lost a child and it's devastating, but there's a love and connection that's there immediately.
I hid the rose behind a piece of paper and we ran all the way out of a park because I was afraid that somebody was going to get mad at us for having a rose.
I want to give a shout out to Grandmas, because Grandmas get things done. Something my mom said that has stuck in my mind is that she is mourning two babies. She's mourning her granddaughter but she's also morning for me, her baby, and that's really meaningful. She said she can't do anything more for her granddaughter but she wants to help her baby and I'm so grateful for my mom and I love her very very much.
Before we left Pasadena. Jared and I walked to the street where the parade was to write Eden's name on the sidewalk.
We felt so blessed to be able to share this hard day with family and in a way that honored Eden. When I was saying good-bye to my sister she said to me, "You made it! You made it through the hardest year of your life." and it hit me hard. I did it. It was hard. There were days that I didn't think I could make it. How is a parent ever supposed to go on without their child? One day at a time. With the help of others. Looking for the beauty in each day and feeling their child in the tender blessings in life.
Also a strange thing happened when I got to 2:30. I realized it was just a time. It really carried no meaning and could not hurt me. The hurt was a year away. I also realized that the memories from the morning were my memories of a young mother that I don't know anymore. She was unaware of what was going to happen later in the day and I wanted to scream at her to do something to prevent it but I couldn't. When I remembered the mother from after 2:30 she was torn and broken but she was familiar. She is me.
2020 Rose Parade Info: Eden will have another rose in the parade this year. The theme for the float is Light in the Darkness. Which is amazing because I just gave birth to our rainbow baby who's name means moonlight. If you would like to dedicate a rose to Eden or any other organ donor or recipient go to this website https://www.donatelifefloat.org/wp/rose-dedication-garden/
Thank you for sharing another piece of your heart Lisa. You are loved!
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