There's Not Always a "Right Thing"

I have a memory that keeps coming back to me. Maybe because it plays out like a religious lesson, "Here is the is the right thing and here is the selfish thing, now choose which to do." And at the time  I saw it like that. But looking back, my perspective is totally different. 

In October of 2017 we took a trip to New York City for my birthday. We had been traveling all over the city and Eden had been a surprisingly good little city girl. It was one of our last days in the city and we decided to walk over to a park near our hotel and hopefully let Eden play a little on the grass.

Eden in the Subway

On the walk to the park, we were stopped at a crosswalk and I looked down and saw a two people on the curb. The man sat with a sign against his knee and the woman laid with her head in his lap, her hands around her protruding belly. The sign read something like "Pregnant and Homeless." My heart immediately reached out to her. I grabbed my wallet and scooped out all the coins I had and threw it in their box as we passed by. I felt bad for them but good that I had done something to help.

We got into the park and off to the side, was a small carousel. $1 to ride. I ran up to it and asked if a 1-year-old would be allowed to sit on the animals if I was there to hold her. They said yes. I was so excited! Earlier that year, we had taken Eden on a carousel but she had been too little to sit on the animals so we sat on the bench. For most of the trip, we had been dragging Eden around to things that we wanted to do or things a little out of her age range, so I was excited to do something that she might find fun. I was excited to see if her face would light up with excitement or if she would reach out for me in fear. But, then I looked in my wallet, I had no more cash and they didn't take cards. I had unknowingly given away my chance when I gave my money to the people on the street.

I was really sad. And this is the place where the lesson says "This was a sacrifice. It hurt to give that up but you did the right thing and you should feel good about that. There will be another time to take Eden on a carousel."


But there wasn't 


I never got to have that opportunity. And I sometimes wonder if I did do the right thing? Which is more important? That I give some money to people who really needed it or that I had a fun, connecting experience with my daughter who I didn't have much more time with? And the answer I came up with is neither. I did what I did. I gave my money to them and I truly hope it helped, but I don't feel good about it. I can still be heartbroken about what my choice caused me to miss out on and mourn the memory I wish I had. In life, we often try to fit things into right and wrong, good things bad things, or good things and better things. But some times it's not that clear. If I reverse the story, I probably would have felt a pang of gilt as I passed the couple by, maybe I would have thought about it later and wished I had done something. But I would have one more beautiful memory with my baby girl. I would have pictures and video of her face as she experienced something new, and joy that she had done one more thing on this earth and shared it with me. So, I don't know. And I guess I don't have to know.